Bittersweet

As most of you who have read here lately, there’s been a lot going on.  In great news, we put our security deposit on a house Tuesday morning!!!  We were cutting it close being we had to be out of our current one by June 15th.  So, we take possession on the 11th in the evening and begin moving on the 12th, which is good because it gives us a couple days to move and a couple days to clean the old one.  I don’t want to stoop to our property management’s low care for its customers and leave this place unclean, which is a whole other story for a whole other day.

In such sad news, on Wednesday, May 30, one of my oldest’s close classmates was accidentally shot by her father.  Reports and stories are saying that they were getting ready to go on a camping trip and he was about to clean his pistol to take with them.  He removed the magazine, didn’t check the chamber to see if there was a round in it, and somehow he fired the gun and shot sweet Anaya in the shoulder.  She died at the hospital.  There are still a lot of unanswered questions regarding the shooting.  Certainly from mine and David’s understanding.  I received an automated phone call Thursday, May 29th @ 6:41am from the school informing us that a fellow 3rd grader was tragically killed the night before and they wanted us to know ahead of time so we can prepare our children as we seem fit.  I went in to wake up the boys for the morning and had a little talk with Josh.  I told him about the phone call and that there would be extra counselors at the school, etc.  I am not going to sit here and lie.  I was selfish.  I prayed so freaking hard that it wasn’t a child Josh knew.  He is under enough stress as being the oldest and understanding all that has happened to our family in the past two years and we’ve relied on him maybe a little more than we should have to help with his younger brother and sister.

On Thursday, it was a half day and I picked the boys up from school.  He told me it was Anaya, a little girl in his class.  I was absolutely stunned.  I had just put sunscreen on her last Friday during their Field Day.  The sweetest little girl.  Josh told me what happened, without crying, because he was trying to be so strong.  And then he said something so profound that I will never forget.  “Mom, I’m glad that Daddy double, triple, and quadruple checks his weapons before he cleans them or handles them or let’s us handle them.”  See?  To us, gun ownership is not taboo.  And we do not treat it as a forbidden fruit for our children.  They know how they operate, they’ve seen what gunshots can do to animals, and we’ve made it a point for them to understand what happens to animals is the same to humans.  For the rest of the day, he didn’t really show much emotion about her death.  David and I kinda figured it was the denial stage of grief.  I get another phone call late afternoon asking all 3rd graders to wear pink in Anaya’s honor and letting the parents know that they would be providing pink balloons for the 3rd graders to release at noon.  Josh seemed to be holding strong.

On Friday, June 1, Joey “graduated” kindergarten.  He also received a special science achievement award, which we were thrilled about.  (Sidenote:  Joey will be repeating kindergarten at our new school this next school year.  As I said earlier, another post for another time.)  So, I was already at the school and decided to hang out with each of the boys in their classes for the rest of their half day.

Towards the end of their day, I went to Josh’s class to help where I could.  They brought the balloons in and also gave the kids permanent markers to write Anaya a message for her to read in Heaven.  A family friend of the Wilson’s came, along with Naomi, Anaya’s mom.  She was engulfed in love, honor, support.  It was unbelievable and so touching to see her standing there strong with her family and friends around her.  The family friend said some very encouraging words to kids and then the principal said some words and the balloons were released.  Some of the children were amazed watching their messages to Anaya float all the way to heaven.  Others, like my tenderhearted Joshua, broke down.

At first, I thought about editing the video to mute out his brokenness, but to me that goes against one of my recent posts about being real.  He was real that day.  And I want to remember the realness.  I want him to remember the realness.  June 1 was such a sad day for us.  We had found a great school with great teachers for our boys, and it was our last day there.  And now their last day will be a remembrance of Anaya.  And I’m ok with that.

Her funeral was this past Tuesday.  And we gave Josh the option to go.  He was wishy-washy about going because he was afraid he was going to completely break down and make a scene.  David and I reassured him that he wasn’t going to be the only one there crying for her.  But we have constantly reminded him that she is where we long to be.  In Heaven.  In our Father’s loving arms.  Completely healed.  And so completely being the princess that she is.

The funeral was lovely.  On her mother’s side, they descend from the Lakota Indian tribe.  And in Lakota, Anaya means “princess of color.”  Anaya was definitely a princess.  The reverend who performed the ceremony made a beautiful connection that I will NEVER forget.

The King of Light now has His Princess of Color by His side.

A fellow Lakota Indian did some of their rituals which was amazing to see.  And what broke me down was Anaya’s grandfather (her dad’s dad) came up and shared some stories about Anaya.  And in the midst, he offered comfort to his son.  He repeated about four times, “My son.  My son.  My son.  My son.”  Anaya’s dad, Brock, is broken.  Completely broken.  And instead of his dad being angry or resentful towards his son, he was welcoming his son into his arms.  And it was so profound to see our Heavenly Father working through that.  It painfully reminded me that no matter what we do, we are ALWAYS welcomed  by our Father, calling us, “My child.  My child.  My child.  My child.”

Josh broke down when we took him up to see Anaya in her casket.  It was a beautiful casket, pink, of course, and had a dream catcher monogramed in the open part of it.  We talked with Josh afterwards and he said he was glad we went.  But he still hurts.  I asked him what hurts.  And he said that he hurts for her mom and dad and her 3 brothers.  He hurts for her family as they try and go on through life.  We told him it isn’t going to be easy for them.  But we will always pray for them to find comfort in God.

David and I talked about it later that night.  We just cannot fathom how a marriage heals from something like this.  It has made us rethink where we keep our weapons and what condition we keep them in.  (Whether we keep one in the chamber or not, etc.)

So, if you are reading this, please join us in prayer for the Wilson family.  There is going to be a lot of healing that is going to need to take place.  And hug your kids a little tighter and remind them over and over again how much you love them.  Because it’s God’s time.  Not ours.  God knows our life.  He knows the very number of hairs on our head.  He knit us in our mother’s wombs.  He knows when our time is up.  We don’t know these things.  We’re not supposed to.  We’re just supposed to live each day to the fullest.

Blessings.